Building Castles

Back at it

2012-01-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

"Put her foot DOWN!"

[puppy barking.]

"You both need to stay ON top of your dot mats...!"

[whining.]

Folks, we're back at homeschooling and God is s t r e t c h i n g me right out. It's really been an amazing first week. Watching the wheels turn and the friendship between my daughters grow is priceless. My creative juices are flowing! We're exploring our community. They are learning so much already, and, the slow mornings are like being handed a salted carmel mocha first thing most mornings.

But as with any change it's challenging, too. We're all in a very small space. No back yard. Our new puppy is not totally house broken yet.

I have a lot of thoughts I'd like to share, so, I've decided to play the game of 'True / False'.

I no longer believe in the traditional school setting: FALSE

We will always homeschool all of our children from here on out: FALSE

It's fun to kick it early 1900's style... and through in a sewing lesson: TRUE

Lauren attends dance: TRUE

I want to create rocket scientists: FALSE

Sadie will soon attend a homeschool Co-op: TRUE

We live near a butterfly pavilion... studying caterpillars is next up for science: TRUE

Sadie will soon attend Karate: TRUE

I report to the school district we live in: TRUE

I do not follow a curriculum: FALSE

Friends who homeschool as well as John's new job schedule led us back to homeschooling: TRUE

We often go off on rabbit trail lessons: TRUE

We keep to ourselves everyday: FALSE

A hike in the foothills is Gym class: TRUE

I am incredibly grateful for this opportunity: TRUE

I have all the answers: FALSE

Letting Go

2012-01-08T22:21:00.000-08:00

As my girls grow I let more go.

In regards to my daughters - I have recently let go of their matching outfits, perfectly organized toy sets, up-to-date photo records [something that works for me: just print pictures every so often and pile them in a bin to put in an album when the kids are older], and sleeping until the moment my girls wake up...

However, the gain is in the 'letting go'.

I'm learning to plan ahead and be intentional with my time. I'm coming up on almost 4 years as a full-time-stay-at-home-mom and I am just now beginning to grasp how important it is that I run my home the same way one would run a business. This means that I have had several blunders that are now successes!

I'm reminded that God cares most about the details that others outside my home may never see. I've set down a few hobbies / commitments to be more present in this very small sliver of what I believe is the most golden part of my life. These little years with my kids. I know that perfection is an unattainable trap.

Currently, the kitchen is unorganized but the dishes are clean. The girls bedroom floor was a sea of tiny plastic animals that I kicked to the side as I put the girls to bed but all of their toys are in their room. Our laundry is currently not put away but it is clean. Something always has to give.

I hope that the strain [when present] in my relationship with God, my husband and my kids is always the first place that I clean.

My days are usually filled with my children along with the honor of caring for a few others. And Friends - Yay! PLUS our hopeful goal of welcoming a baby foster son sometime this year.

And, our new dog. Oh, yes, our. new. dog. ;)

I want my energy spent on people in ways that impact both of us for the better.

Happy New Year!

May we each have our eyes opened to the many meaningful ways we were created to live.

"Give your gifts in private, and your Father, who sees everything, will reward you." - Matthew 6:4

the greatest... and latest!

2011-11-14T02:01:00.001-08:00

God is good! It's often said... but in our home these days, it's deeply felt.

Sadie, our big first grader lost her first TOP tooth, tonight! She's 6. When she was 5 she lost two of her bottom teeth -- back then she insisted that we give her one dime (per tooth) as this was the going rate for a lost tooth in the Berenstien Bears' home. Mama and Papa Bear gave Sister and Brother Bear ten cents for each tooth that was hid under their pillow! Now, Sadie knows the value of each coin and the value of one dollar! As you may have already guessed, she asked for one dollar this time! ha ha

Sadie is doing well in school. One of the top students academically. She won student of the month for her class in November and her picture as well as a nice little blurb was placed on the schools wall of fame in her honor!

She also attends Awana! She's having fun, learning scriptures and earning badges!

Lauren is learning her letters, numbers, colors and shapes at home! She is constantly moving, jumping and climbing! A lover of dress-up & pretty shoes! She just finished up a gymnastics class and has begun a tap / ballet class! She loves it! Lauren is very expressive and beginning to voice complex ideas as well as carry on conversation!

John, is the man! After a period of uncertainty... He (God) has led us into a promising new phase! John and I have become closer as friends and we look forward to what we hope will be 'normal life' for the first time in a long time! John landed a job in the IT field. He's excited to start soon! He also plays beautiful music at church and cooks and continues to make us all laugh!

I'm so grateful to be married to a man who puts God in the center of our life.

Me, well, I am doing great! I'm building back strength and learning the best foods to eat after being diagnosed with vocal cord dysfunction back in August. I am on a baking and crafting kick! I'm learning to crochet. I've gotten the hang of apple pies and I'm back into the swing of snapping pictures! Now, I just need a new book to read! The one-year-bible has been a new endeavor as well!

foster to adopt

2011-09-03T10:15:00.000-07:00

A quick update. Thank you to those who are following & praying!

We're now in the 6th month in what we were told should be around a 9 month process. We began foster care classes in March of this year. Very significant because we lost our 5th baby at 10 weeks gestation in March of 2010.

What is left to do:

John needs to get a physical

Waiting for a note from Sadie's Teacher

Homestudy
[The homestudy will be 3 visits. Family interview. Seperate interviews. Home safety inspection.]

Presentation of 'our story' to the 5 person child welfare panel.

Getting licensed!

THEN. Once we're licensed [IF we're approved by all 5 members.] We just wait to get a call - anytime day or night.

Our social worker is hopeful that we should be licensed before Christmas!... :)

We have such anxious hearts to be in the most simple way a helper in a team of people in a family's / child's life. The depths of compassion and inspiration we're about to witness are far beyond our grasp in this moment.

But.

We feel ready. Like a runner waiting for the gun shot at his race.

As with biological pregnancy I'll admit I've found myself buying several cute blue things here and there when I've found great deals. AND we can't say Thank you enough to some VERY special people who have given us countless baby items. Your rewards are the eternal kind! In foster care, it's more common for boys to land in the system... So, being that we already have two daughters: we have asked to be placed with boys only [of any race] age 12 months or younger. :)

I have recently taken on a part-time daycare baby girl! The girls have responded with open arms to her presence in our home! I like to think this is God's way of getting us all in baby mode again! ;)

As I've shared before we started this process with the intent to add a son to our family. Today, we are going into to this trusting God's timing is best and that we may help several children / families before officially adopting... It hit me today that we'll be growing our hearts and families with the 'sons' who simply visit, too.

Because as Mother Teresa says: "...we belong to each other."

And, I know what I want for Christmas:

Lauren and the age 3

2011-08-25T01:05:00.000-07:00

"Loh-nan" is what you call yourself! You're 3 and nearing the age that Sadie was when you were born [3 years & 2 months]. Today you spent the day in underwear - and you told me that you would just 'pee in the grass' while we went outside... Lol. You went on the potty more than once on your own and I think you're real close to staying dry during the day.

You just celebrated your birthday with a puppy theme. You just can't get enough of all things dog lately! You love being "Ser-reee!" [Your way of saying 'three'!] And here's a recap on your current interests:

"Nastics" Gymnastics class

Playing with Dolls

Dress Up

Snacking

Playing with water

Filling cups with water

Putting toys in a cup; then filling it with water

Snacking

Looking at books

Doing school/learning time with Mom

Scooting on your new scooter

Getting the mail

Washing your hands [emptying soap EVERYwhere]

Cuddling

Drawing

Eating at "Sick-a-way!" [Chick fil A]

Playing in the play-place

Eating frozen yogurt

Bike rides in the burley

an update, instagram style

2011-08-25T00:35:00.000-07:00

A rare peaceful moment of mutual enjoyed playtime. They were playing "Aunties". Sadie is very much the 6-year-old and Lauren likes to push big sis' buttons! They sure love each other and would give each others right-arm for one another...

This is our most popular family past-time. Scoot around when it's NOT the heat of the day, just after dinner; right before dad goes to work.

Nini stopping to say 'cheese'!

Sadie and her overly-done pose! She's so full of life!

Our new part-time, day-time family member! 5 month old baby 'A'! The girls trip over themselves to grab whatever she needs, may want or could have... Sadie & Lauren are so ready to be big sisters!

to my sweet, Sadie

2011-07-17T21:50:00.001-07:00

so bold and so true [admirer of the color blue!]. I never dreamed I'd be loving an amazing 6-year-old like you! You celebrated your golden birthday with pottery painting & cupcakes with family & friends!

[snapshot]

Last night, at dinner you asked if you could marry me. Ha! We all had a great laugh. Weeks earlier you had asked about marrying dad, too. You are so thoughtful and engaging with those around you. Yet, you never miss a chance to be silly.

Tonight, you told me: "My friends tell me that their Mom is the best, but I tell them that's not true because YOU are! I'd take all my babies[dolls], zhu zhu's & books and SQUISH them together and that love would not be as much as I love you!"

In 28 days, you'll start the 1st grade. I'm so excited to watch the ways you blossom. You love learning & the culture of school. You currently love to hear about life before you were born. You ponder, proclaim and ask the best questions. You ask about Heaven. Being a Veteranarian one day. And you hold your friends close to your heart like rare gems -- because they truly are.

You're an amazing big sister. You love to teach Nini. Make sure she's safe. And you're quick to forgive when she pushes your buttons. Remember always: Nini wants to do what you do & have what you have because you're a great mentor and friend to her.

Side thought: As you grow, remember that everyone shows love in their own unique way -- not always how you'd expect. 'Singing their song' or 'going fishing' is the key to each person feeling love from you, too!

You chose 'Dumbo' tonight for your bedtime story. You 'ooohh'ed' & 'aawww'ed' as you watched the way the mama and baby elephant were mistreated. Then your face lit up in a big grin as the story ended with justice and a happy family back together! I'm amazed by the depth you see at your age.

You are heading places, to shake, move, build and embrace your unique story by understanding and loving others!

thoughts, feelings & repeat...

2011-07-13T11:52:00.000-07:00

Today is my first full day back from my 2-week vacation in MN. My Dad flew to Denver and drove the girls and myself to MN. The girls and I had a great time seeing loved ones! John flew into Mnpls from Denver and we spent the last few days of the trip together in MN, before driving back here to Denver -- what treasured days they were! (Thank you, Dad, for your help & the priceless memories!) And. Thank you, Mom [& Dad], House's, Family and Friends for your hospitality, meals & [mostly] your time! We love you all. We're so grateful for the unique flavor you each add to our lives!

It was a wonderful time in the comfort of familiararity. But there were some sad moments that still linger here with me today as I feel caught somewhere between Denver and Mnpls. My sadness is linked to a story that is not mine to tell. But, mine to part-take in. Because, I'm reminded once again -- we're here to love & be loved. To listen and wait and encourage.

I feel a bit helpless and overwhelmed on the behalf of some precious family members. I feel like I want to build shelves in my living room and donate piles of extra stuff to goodwill. But. Those desires aren't really fruitful endevers for today, I think? Maybe, tonight, at 2am? ;)

Instead, I'm choosing to take pictures of the girls, chat at ease with my hubby & fold laundry [always theraputic? right?]! Because, so many things are out of my control. Yet. Today is mine to treasure; along with the people in it.

Here's a verse that has been rolling around in my heart the past few days:

It is said of Jesus that he was "a man of sorrows and familiar with suffering" (Isaiah 53:3). -Deeper Still blog

take heart; aftermath [by hillsong united]

2011-07-05T21:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a firm believer that music was created to help bring healing & freedom...

This song is a new favorite: take heart; aftermath [by hillsong united]

There is a light. It burns brighter than the sun. He steals the night. And casts no shadow.

There is hope.

Should oceans rise and mountains fall. He never fails.

So take heart.

Let His love lead us through the night.

Hold on to hope.

And take courage again.

In death by love. The fallen world was overcome. He wears the scars of our freedom.

In His Name.

All our fears are swept away. He never fails. All our troubles. All our tears.

God our hope.

He has overcome. All our failure. And all our fear. God our love.

He has overcome.

All our heartache. And all our pain. God our healer. He has overcome.

God our justice.

God our grace.

God our freedom.

God our refuge. God our strength. God is with us.

He has overcome.

There was a time when these kinds of christian writings held no meaning in my life. I would read them like a familiar comic strip in the sunday paper. Today at 29, God has held me through some incredibly hard experiences. He brought me to the end of myself...

I'm so glad that He did {and does so daily!}.

"The sky and the earth won't last forever, but my words will."
-Matthew 24:35
Contemporary English Version (CEV)

a late night, hello!

2011-06-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

My wonderful Dad, my Girls and I rolled into Minneapolis tonight after two days on the road; starting in Denver - our new home as of 6 months ago! THANK YOU, Dad for helping us get here! John had to stay back to tend to his job. :( Thankfully, he'll be catching a flight here at the tail end of this 2-week-trip in MN!

It's 'all kinds of warm fuzzies' being with family, anticipating seeing some great friends & planning for a long weekend at my grandparents cabin! And. I must say, I'm loving the lush, green, lake, humid smell here in my grand 'ol hometown. Colorado is stunning - however, the smell is quite 'dusty' and dry. Makes for a lovely 90 degrees, though! ;)

Just before I left CO, John and I became: First Aide & CPR certified to fulfill our foster care licensing process! Now, what's left? So glad you asked! ;) Our homestudy & physicals! That's it!! We are told that our homestudy may be assigned to us as soon as within this month!? Or longer. They are waiting on our background checks & finger prints. And. Our actual license date? December 2011. Maybe?

Now, to be totally honest here, there is a small chance we may not be approved as a *foster-to-adoption family, like any/every couple who apply. But, we feel this is the path we are to be taking. So. We're doing our best to leave this in God's hands [and time frame] while we trust! It's an exciting time!

Tonight, my Mom surprised me with two HUGE bags of very cute 0-12 mos. boy clothes for our future foster son! It was our own sweet little 'baby shower'! I'm so touched! I have the most thoughtful Mom!

*foster-to-adoption: caring for children who are not legally free to be adopted. In the event that no kin commit to adopt the foster child; and parental rights are terminated - the foster child is then able to pursue a possible adoption by his/her foster parents. A common saying in this line of adoption: "It depends?" ;)

**Our heart in this first and foremost is to honor birth parents and each child by coming alongside as a part of their helpful team to aide in bringing the child(ren) home to their parent(s) or to a safe family member.

(one of the adorable outfits from my Mom!)

"As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible and trust God with the impossible." -Ruth Bell Graham

an "ah - Ha" moment

2011-05-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

I was talking the other day with a friend (Cousin) about how parenting seems to be a whole new ball game when children go off to Kindergarten [and beyond... gulp!] We felt we had "100% parental control" when our children were/are Pre-school age... they were/are usually within arms reach.

I mentioned the other night that our foster care class taught on parenting. It was GREAT! And it was Mainly, about how to teach our children self discipline, especially the ability to problem solve and be aware of the result of their choices.

Well, John and I had a big "ah HA!" moment during this class! [This may be something everyone else is already doing? Especially Teachers?...] ha!

One of the speakers told a story about his daughter, who was 3 at the time. We'll call the daughter, Kara and the dad, Garry. Garry was letting Kara play unsupervised at 9 pm. Garry knew this was not ideal in the first place. [note: He is a child psychologist, ha!] Kara walked into the living room holding an armful of oreo's! In that moment, Garry realized that he had never told Kara to make a choice for herself - in her whole life! Garry told Kara: "You may choose to keep one cookie and put the rest back! OR You may choose to put all of the cookies back!" Thus, fully expecting his daughter to make 1 of 2 choices. Kara stood there for a moment and her eyes rolled high as if to try and look into her brain, Garry said. [LOL!] Kara then took her cookie collection back into the kitchen... AND, returned with just one! [copy write: Garry L. Landreth, Ph.D.]

Garry calls this his oreo cookie theory. And he claims it works on all ages as long as the parents always follow through, of course. And, the consequences [in the moment] can be called just that; giving the parent an extra few seconds [or hours] to think of one.

In just 48 hours we've seen some great quick obedience with our girls by following the oreo cookie theory.

For Sadie, we currently have a reward chart, too. It's just a plane piece of paper labeled "kindness & quick obedience". When I cover the whole thing with 'X's' Sadie earns an outfit for her build-a-bear! She's almost halfway in just a week! *warning* She does try to tell me when she's obeying so she can get an 'X' and we've just started implementing that from now on 'only mom or dad can give her an 'X' sometimes and that when she catches herself doing the right thing she can be happy knowing that she'll grow up to be a person who does the right thing even without a reward because that's what matters most to God'.

For Lauren, the oreo cookie theory has quite possibly saved what was becoming a big get-out-of-bed-at-bedtime mess. In just 48 hours, she stays. in. bed. WOW.

One final thought that this speaker shared was on the topic of transparency. In short, he told a story about his daughter [again] at age 5. One afternoon he yelled at her and they accomplished nothing. That night, at bedtime he told her that he was sorry. He went on to say that when he apologized their relationship was restored. As it was broken "over" before the apology. So powerful...

I thought I'd share this just incase it may help you, too?

Happy Memorial Weekend!!!

my girls

2011-05-27T09:52:00.001-07:00

Foster to Adopt | Final Class

2011-05-26T14:21:00.000-07:00

Last night was the end of the every Thursday night classes that lasted 8 weeks [at 3 hours each]! The theme was parenting/discipline.

We listened to three Speakers (one via video)!

The Topic was how to help our children make the right choices, problem solve, have good character, be responcible, etc. Great, great tools to have in our back pocket(s)!

We left with our '24 hours pre-training completed' certificate in hand!!! So exciting! Comparable to hitting the 20 week mark in pregnancy, I think!

Another strange biological similarity - getting 'finger-printed' was like having blood drawn at a prenatal clinic visit... sort of! [Ironic. While we were getting our finger prints done, a GLOWING couple walked in holding their baby who they were planning to adopt... beautiful.]

Bonus: we've made some great new friends in the past two months!!

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat." -Mother Teresa

Out 'n Bout

2011-05-24T23:27:00.000-07:00

These photo's are [mainly] for my dear friend, Leslie, who doesn't do facebook. SO? Have I lured you in for a visit?? ;)

sometimes

2011-05-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

sometimes.

I need to remember this:

“She came tonight as I sat alone, the girl I used to be…
And she gazed at me with her earnest eye and questioned reproachfully;

Have you forgotten the many plans and hopes that I had for you?
The career, the splendid fame, and all the wonderful things to do?
Where is the mansion of stately height with all of its gardens rare?
The silken robes that I dreamed for you and the jewels in your hair?

And as she spoke, I was very sad for I wanted her please with me…
This slender girl from the shadowy past the girl that I used to be
So gently rising, I took her hand, and guided her up the stair
Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay innocent, sweet, and fair.

And I told her that these are my only gems, and precious they are to me;
That silken robe is my motherhood of costly simplicity.
And my mansion of stately height is love, and the only career I know
Is serving each day in these sheltered walls for the dear ones who come and go.

And as I spoke to my shadowy guest, she smiled through her tears at me.
And I saw that the woman that I am now, pleased the girl I used to be.

- Author Unknown

sweet, sweet summertime

2011-05-22T18:37:00.000-07:00

Goals for the girls:

Sadie

two pages of writing each day.
20 min of reading.
5 math problems each day.
go outside at least once each day.
getting shoes on by herself [this has been a struggle as she has tactile sensitivities].
ride her bike by herself [with training wheels].
climb the net at the park.

Lauren

get totally potty trained.
pick up toys quickly.
read to her 20 min.
do puzzles.
learn [all] colors.
learn [all] shapes.
learn letters.
learn letter sounds.
go outside at least once each day.

Both Girls/Family

neighborhood pool twice a week.
a new hike each week.
drive into the mountains twice each month.
2 camping trips.
roxborough nature center for 'kids time'.
chick fil a 'story time'.
library reading program & special events.

Me

jog around neighborhood 'horse shoe loop' twice = 1 mile.
yoga TWICE each week.
read 3 books.
cook 2 dinners IN each week. [John does much of the other dinners! :)]
juice for the whole family once every other day.
blend smoothies for breakfast once every other morning.
Read to the girls each night = bible stories about 'being brave'!

This is all simply a list of our ideals to reference as a guide. HAPPY Summer!!!

Foster to Adopt | Class

2011-05-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

This was our second-to-last class! The topic was 'the first 6 months' after a child is placed in your home. It was great to hear the stories of 2 parents who had been through this. We have asked to be placed with one baby boy only [at a time], age 12 months or younger. [We had originally asked for an 18 month old boy or younger.]

We tell the girls that a baby boy will come and visit for a little while because his parents have some things they're working on. We plan to be a total 'team' with all involved... We'll love him like a cousin, even though he belongs to his own family. Sadie is a deep thinker and she understands what adoption is. So, she does know that oneday we hope to adopt one of the baby boy's who stays with us.

All paperwork = DONE
Background checks & finger prints = submitted [pending]
Refferences = submitted [pending]
CPR/First Aide = needed [about 1 month out]
Physicals for all 4 of us = needed [about 2 months out]
Homestudy = needed [about 3 months out]
Home Inspection = needed [about 4 months out]
Getting Licensed = Oct, Nov, Dec...??

John and I would LOVE to put a few more gifts under the Christmas tree this year for a sweet little someone... [my not-so-secret prayer!]

[Then] The Yampa's

2011-05-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

came to visit!

We enjoyed:

seeing the Moody Blues at Red Rocks
feeding squirrels in Estes Park
having a picnic in Rocky Mountain National Park
seeing elk, mountain goats and deer
climbing on boulders, walking in a stream
manitou springs
roxborough park
and great conversation :)

And, the weather was in the 70's mostly!

The Bumpa's

2011-05-05T22:47:00.000-07:00

came to play!

John [and Lauren] were able to play 'tour guide' most of the 8 days they were here!

The Bumpa's visited:

Red Rocks
Roxborough State Park
City of Golden
Garden of the Gods
City of Manitou Springs
City of Estes Park
Rocky Mountain National Park
Cripple Creek

and various resturants including Chick-fil-a, of course!

We also celebrated Barb's birthday with the family here! Much fun was had!

Foster to Adopt | Class

2011-05-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

Tonights class was about cultural differences. How to listen and accept the lifestyle of our potential future child. The subject of racism made a few appearences. An African American Gentleman [one of our classmates] brought up the point that he feels the words 'ethnicity' and 'colored' should not be used anymore -- because we are all simply human beings created by the same God. :)

Good stuff.

We still need to do:

two more classes. one make up class. CPR/FirstAide class. Fingerprinting. more paperwork. Homestudy. Physicals.

God was the 1st Adoptive Parent.

2011-05-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

I was pondering this statement today.

Why do we chose to become parents? [Well, some of us get surprised... that's another rabbit trail...]

Is it because we want our children to be cute? Or marvel at how they are just like their Great-Aunt Thelma? Is it that we want our children to grow up and make us proud? Have someone to care for us when we are old? Raise responsible adults who will add to society?

I think these are all somewhat common and somewhat harmless.

But.

What if as parents it was a common requirement to raise a child who didn't have grandpa's blue eyes, or daddy's quick wit... What if parenting was "just" based on acceptance and grace [encouragement & boundaries]?...

"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:8

Foster to Adopt | Class [and other thoughts!]

2011-04-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

This night was all about how abuse looks on a child at various ages. It was a tough pill to swallow. But, we are [still] all systems 'GO' with this exciting journey! Our hearts are heavy with the needs of these families -- yet we're so ready to dive in and help. Help even though we are naive & will make mistakes. Help and encourage & add love. Help and present hope & opportunity.

Every so often I get a rush of excitement deep in my heart. This experience has really shown me how much we all belong to God and each other. How we were all adopted into the most royal family - God's family. How God views everyone as important. We all add a unique piece to 'the puzzle'.

Today, I was privaledged to be able to spend a few hours with Sadie and her class [Teachers & other Parents, too] at a field trip. I was a group leader to 6 sweet little girls [two who were my own]. One of the girls was added to my group at the last minute because her Mom didn't show up as planned. Sad.

Sadie's awesome Teacher quietly asked me if I felt comfortable with this [naughty] active one in my already good sized group. I smiled and said: "[yes] YAY we GET _________!" Suddenly this girl who had been chasing her classmates with a stick on the picnic field earlier -- LIT UP and grabbed my hand. She. held. my. hand. [almost]. the. whole. time.

It gets me choked up. I was so honored to tell _________ in many ways that she is important and smart and funny... [not the naughty one.]

Labels. Lies. Yuck.

For that hour as we toured the 1860's farm, I got to be a teacher and an encourager. I have no college BA Degree that gives me a title in the education field - maybe oneday? [I plan to go back to school once John is done.] In the eyes of the girls I led around the farm I was leaving a mark. I have a not so secret fascination with 1800's US history -- God used that today to bond a group of Kindergarteners to each other and build self confidence in them [and me].

He helped me to be present in the moment.

Today, I'm reminded again that God can use us to share His love anytime - everyday - in the most ordinary ways. He makes the mundane beautiful.

Sadie and I after her recent performance in 'The Three Piggy Opera' [her Kindergarten play]!

my family [snapshot]

2011-04-15T23:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight, while at our lovely Church Small Group a new friend mentioned that she journaled the first 4+ years of her childrens' lives! I was inspired! In no particular order, I'd like to take a few minutes to document the three most important people in my life.

Here goes:

John: You have the ability to meet someone new and connect with them on multiple levels within 10 minutes. You make others laugh. You don't take yourself too seriously and you've taught me to do the same. You help me see the bigger picture. You work hard and pick up my loose ends. You've become a close friend. We've remembered what brought us together. We have found new activities to do together and as a family. We're both pursuing dreams which have been years in the making. We sharpen each other. You are a great Dad!

Sadie: I believe you are the special treasure to your friends' in your new school, Awana & Church. Your classmates all call your name when you walk by them with me before or after school. I CHERISH my time bringing you to school and picking you up. I love seeing glimpses of your new 'big girl' world. You thrive on rutine. You never forget what I say. You keep me aware. I LOVE going on dates with you. You are smart with people and books. You have many talents to share with others. You have a great sense of humor. You feel deeply and love intensly. You're starting to enjoy playing with your sister. You are artistic and getting so good at reading. You enjoy homework! You lost your first tooth about a month ago (one of the front bottom ones)! Soon, you will take a childrens theatre class and swimming lessons. I think you're an extrovert [most of the time]. Last night while I was reading you the bible story of the prodigal son you told me: "Mom, I know that I am a special treasure to you and dad, I'll never disobey you when I'm a teenager." [I made SURE to write this one down! Ha!] You are such a sweet girl.

Lauren: You are a ball of energy. A ham. A joyful comedian. An Introvert. You are beginning to talk in sentences and express more complex ideas. You love to play 'mommy' with your baby dolls. You drag your shoes all over the house and you love wearing different pairs throughout the day. You admire your big sister and you miss her while she's at school. You also adore your big cousin, 'A'. Your little world is expanding as you welcome more [fun!] extended family members into your heart. You love to listen to stories. You are starting to draw. We've been working on colors, shapes and counting, lately. Just starting some letter sounds. You love to sing and DANCE. Soon you will start a gymnastics class. Today, you opened up a bible and said: "Thank you God my friends, Thank you God. Amen."

Foster to Adopt | Class

2011-04-12T21:10:00.000-07:00

This class covered how to interact with Birth Parents. Attachment disorder. And other common confusion surrounding a childs' behavior when placed in foster care.

I have a fresh compassion for all involved in a foster-adoption. It is definately a 'thinking outside of the box' kind of journey. John and I will have to guard our hearts YET feel in ways we never have. I hope that we can peacefully welcome Birth Parents and Children as friends [forever] even if our time together is brief. We realize that we will be partnering with many to first and foremost make it so the child can go home. And then if not, well. Well. That's God plan I have to remember.

We hope & pray to add a son. At this point we plan to ask to be placed with one baby or toddler boy, at a time. We are open to girls and other ages in the future. A dear person [who has also adopted through foster care] encouraged us to pray for the kind of child who - first - came to mind when this whole idea - first - did.

We've also completed the first CHUNK of paperwork (as well as our taxes, almost). Great feeling!

awe struck wonder

2011-03-14T13:00:00.000-07:00

A moment in time

2011-03-13T22:28:00.001-07:00

"Three baby dolls and two vacuum cleaners" by Mama Casa

Today was an 'all day in the house' day for the Girls and I. My inspirational Cousin [who is a Teacher & Mom to 4] gave us this idea -- to help calm our kiddos. It seems they've been on the go too much, and that led to being tired. You get where I'm going here, I'm sure. Yesterday, both girls looked like they had just finished a WILD hockey game. One with a black eye. One with a sassy attitude [and a brand new missing tooth]!!

Well.

The funny thing (or NOT) about following through with consequences is that I'm finding it's almost more of a punishment to John and Me, and the girls' cousins who they were supposed to see. Big lessons on respect going on in this home, today! However, I admit, I got really bored sometime around 9:23 am. It was about 65 degrees and sunny out. Glorious. It was a long day in. But, looking back it was worth it and parts of the day were very sweet. Definately much needed.

Reading books to my girls is my absolute favorite thing to do with them; this was our main activity today. [No clean up! Yeah!] I love the conversations. Seeing their eyes light up. And tapping into their humor. Also, reading story's about other charactors who made the same poor choices THEN good choices that my Girls just had. Berenstain Bears is one our favorites.

Back in January I was flipping through radio stations in the car. I stopped at the local Christian station. The host was encouraging the listeners to pick one word as a reference point/goal for this year -- to put at the forefront of one's mind on hard days.

The word I chose: Intentional

in·ten·tion·al
[in-ten-shuh-nl]

–adjective
1.
done with intention or on purpose; intended: an intentional insult.
2.
of or pertaining to intention or purpose.
3.
Metaphysics .
a.
pertaining to an appearance, phenomenon, or representation in the mind; phenomenal; representational.
b.
pertaining to the capacity of the mind to refer to an existent or nonexistent object.
c.
pointing beyond itself, as consciousness or a sign.
Origin: intention

—Related forms
in·ten·tion·al·i·ty, noun
in·ten·tion·al·ly, adverb
sub·in·ten·tion·al, adjective
sub·in·ten·tion·al·ly, adverb

—Synonyms
1. designed, planned. See deliberate.

—Antonyms
1. accidental.

So.

John and I spent the first part of today explaining and feeling the heat from the consequences. Then the second half getting the girls pumped for a better tomorrow...

Sadie's 'Get Well' Letter to Great Grandpa.

Uncle Time

2011-03-13T15:11:00.001-07:00

My brother came to visit last week! We had fun exploring, hanging in and eating out! Here's a recap of the highlights!

Coors brewery
Red Rocks
Garden of the Gods
Hanging at home
Playing guitar

Foster to Adopt | Class

2011-03-01T21:22:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'll start out by saying that this post will be in no particular order. My thoughts that is.

The class was everything John and I thought it would be and more -- our instructor sounded just like the 5 foster care/adoption books I've read [and read to John] over the past year! I can see how God has worked out the timing of this in so many ways. Our Cousins here, as well as Friends will be watching the girls while we take the remaining eight THREE hour classes. Many, many thanks to them!

Ok, I'll just dive in.

First, the certification process takes about 9 months - like a pregnancy, our instructor said. She did a brilliant job explaining the risks and reality of Foster-to-Adoption as much as one can in one hour, I think.

Uhh, Ok, let me go grab my handout so that I can toss around some statistics for you. Before I get the sheet, I just have to say that I feel like God gripped my heart tonight and reminded me that His hand is in this and that we should not be set on just fostering a baby boy... *to be continued*. ;)

Alright, here are some facts from my handout. I will leave out our actual county(s) & state for privacy sake:

Foster Care

On average, 1,100 children are in foster/kinship care in both counties on any given day.

40% are Teens.

All have experienced trauma and loss.

Children who are waiting [legally free to be adopted] in Foster Care are typically over the age of 8.

Approximately 60 children [at any given time] are waiting.

How do children leave Foster Care?

73% return to their parents or relatives.

38% are adopted by their relative or a family friend [Kinship].

Foster Home placement: 54% are adopted by their foster family.

With all that written. I need to quiet my mind... try not to make any more "solid plans" [I'm a first born and an excessive planner] and 'hit the hay' even though John is working on his homework downstairs.

Thank you for reading! I'll try and 'blog' after each class!

mom, dad & much sugar

2011-02-22T00:26:00.000-08:00

We've been in our new state nearly 8 weeks, now. The sparkle and flash as well as the 'new car smell' have faded. Normal life has come home to stay at our new address. Which is great. The past comfort of being known well and knowing well are memories [kept close to my heart in the form of mail sent, emails written & phone calls made] THAT ARE paired by current adventures with fresh faces, idea's and points in my gps -- our new community.

It's generally been a quiet time. So quiet, at times, I can hear important thoughts and manage time well. A unique season. I feel like I've been given a new pair of eyes... no patterns formed yet; observations for the most part. And. I have no real complaints other than snow removal delays or the fact that both of our vehicles have become traveling coat closets due to the rapid change in temperature here. Alas, a small price to pay to have a front row seat to the Rockies!!

The past few weeks we have been anywhere from -15 degrees w/snow to 65 degrees w/no snow! Can we say muddy entry way! But YAY to Spring in February. I'm happy with how J and I have met many wonderful people at Buggie's school, our church, our family here, and EVEN our current friends who had moved here from MN a few years ago. Truly the start of many meaningful friendships! God's handy work!

So. There is nothing like having your dear parents fly in from the frozen tundra [which is currently the midwest], to come share in the excitement of the fresh details of our new little corner of the world. What a gift. Time slowed to a dream like pace as we ate out [4 times at chick-fil-a, alone! ha!], drove into the mountains and watched tv together [+ much more!!] just because we could. If you ever want vacation tips; ask my folks who really know how to kick back - be present - and soak in their surroundings!

Thank you for the visit, Mom & Dad. We love you! And we'll be 'riding the wave' of these warm, happy vibes for quite a while...

Now, that I've collected my thoughts... it's REALLY time to catch some 'Zzzzzzzz's'. Buggie and Nini share a bed. Long story short: big sis had growing pains and [accidentally] kicked lil sis in the face. 1 hour ordeal total. And my sweet J has decided to sleep in the middle of the bed, tonight. Bubble = popped. But, I am deeply grateful. Really. This is an honor...

Legacy | Family

2011-02-11T08:29:00.000-08:00

When I was little I loved to draw. I used to draw pictures of big families. I would lay out a big sheet of white paper on the kitchen table and then dump out all of my colored pencils. First, I would draw the Mom and Dad on one side of the page. Then I would draw the house in the middle... Then, I would draw about EIGHT children on the other side. I'd write their names above each person. Looking back, I laugh and think how I was a bit obsessed with wishing that I had more brothers and sisters. But, really, I believe I had an awareness [as a child] of how the love in a family was something great that God dreamed up... and how it all starts at home. Who we are. What we believe. How we relate to others.

And, even, how our legacy lives on after our death.

I think of the verse: "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:38-39

With God, nomatter the size of one's family; we can be a part of His family always. In Gods' family there is Joy [Love & Hope] In Life. And. In Death.

When John and I were first married we talked about how having four children would be a nice even amount. As you know, we have two [amazing, if I don't say so myself] daughters. And. Three [Miscarried Babies] children living in Heaven. John and I are coming up on the anniversary of our 'Third Miscarried Baby' turning ONE in Heaven -- March 11th -- also my 29th Birthday.

Also, my Uncle D, will soon be celebrating his One year anniversary in Heaven [on February 27th].

And, Our sweet Niece, L, is turning ONE on Sunday [February 13th]!

I celebrate each of our Heaven-homed children quietly in my heart on the day we lost them. For me, it's helped me to forget how old they would each be if they had been born. I look at their death's as THEIR actual Birthday's - in Heaven. Because I truly believe that's where they are. Playing and celebrating with Jesus and other family members who are up there with them.

So, I'd like to take this moment to Remember how old my FIVE children are:

Sadie Elizabeth: 5 yrs. (DOB: 6/6/05)
*David: 4 yrs. (BIH: 5/25/06)
*Grace: 3 yrs. (BIH: 7/25/07)
Lauren Faith: 2 yrs. (DOB: 8/16/08)
*Matthew: 1 yr. (BIH: 3/11/10)

*John and I never knew the gender of our Miscarried Babies, we picked their names because of what each name means.

Here are two articles I've written [for others] about John and I's 'Heaven-Homed-Children':

My husband and I have two children on earth and three we have yet to meet, living in heaven. We lost all three babies in the first trimester of pregnancy. We look back at the time of each pregnancy as three blocks of time filled with great joy. They are three unique children who left an eternal impact in our life. We like to believe that each child left a 'gift' with my husband and I. Our first: the ability to see others' pain in a new way. Our second: the ability to endure a trial. Our third: the ability to let go and put more value in eternal matters. God has used all three miscarried babies to draw my husband and I closer to Him, our friends, family and each other. As well as give us a clearer vision for our family which will include adoption. This and other encouragement can be read here: http://seekinghishope.blogspot.com/

AND:

Identity

My husband and I have walked through the heartache of loosing three children through three separate miscarriages. Each baby was lost before gestational week 12. I wondered: Was my child a boy or a girl? How did my baby look? Most importantly: My heart ached to know my child and have others be touched by his/her life the same ways as my children living here on earth. I thought about this verse: Psalm 139:13-16

“13For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. 14I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. 15My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; 16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; And in Your book were all written. The days that were ordained for me, When as yet there was not one of them.”

God revealed to me how He as well as the community of Heaven knew my child. My heaven-homed children are walking out their calling in the place we [who love God] will all one day settle and be given our never ending tasks in the glory filled city. I gave each of our baby’s a meaningful name. As time went on I had a more eternal perspective—a priceless gift from God. I loved deeper. I cherished the people in my life more. I was more thankful for each moment. My children who live in heaven made my heart more tender and more aware of how to comfort others who grieve. My miscarried babies are in fact healthy, happy children living in heaven who have and will continue to impact the lives of many here on earth. They have an identity.

This | and That

2011-02-05T22:07:00.000-08:00

Here are some [cell phone]snapshots from the past week, which include: cousin fun, baking, crafting and day-to-day moments! Life here fits like a glove. The pain of 2010 has really become a distant memory with all the new joy 2011 has brought! We're getting settled with family and friends, church and community stuff! John continue's to work from home for Mayo as well as go to school; and I'm embracing and loving domestic[wife/mom/homemaker] life more everyday! We miss our MN loved ones and have become well aquainted with the postal workers at our local PO--We love to send and recieve snail mail!

Nini Pie

2011-01-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

I got the itch to snap a few pictures, today! We're starting to think pink [red & white] around here! I'm pumped to do Valentine's Day cookies, cards and crafts with the girls in the coming weeks!

What's with the name

2011-01-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

Building Castles?

You might have wondered.

Well.

A while back I read a story about a Castle. This castle involved many men, bricks, mud, tools, equipment and time to build. The people who began work on the castle did not live to see it's completion. When the castle was finished, it was magestic and sturdy! It was carefully crafted and had a solid foundation.

The story was a representation of God's plan, Parenthood, Family and Community!

"A castle, depending upon the status of the man who occupied it, could be variously, a military base, a seat of government, a court and a stronghold for the surrounding region. It could be any or all of the above but it was principally the private residence of its owner, his family and his dependents." -The English Castle by D. Dawson

This name seemed fitting for my family's blog. Ever since I was 5 I dreamed of having a family of my own. And today, I'm reminded that being a wife and mother is one of the most noble jobs in God's eyes. He gives me the strength and wisdom to do my job. To teach and to guide each building block...

I'm currently reading: 'Pinocchio Parenting' by Chuck Borsellino [which was recommended to us by good friends!] In Borsellino's book he says of our unique God-given talents: "I offered God kindling; He made me a castle and gave me the keys." -C.B.

Sadie | Student

2011-01-20T19:33:00.000-08:00

The other day I walked through the golf course behind our townhome [it was 50 degrees and sunny], I could see mountains ahead [and Sadie's school]. It was 3:08 pm and I was on my way to pick up my Kindergartener. Wow. As I got closer, I stepped around several geese; then raced across the street where the sound of chatting parents and students began to sound like English. My heart was full as I thought how this scene was just how I dreamed it... a bustling community full of friendly faces!

This afternoon, we met with Sadie's Teacher [Mrs. A] to chat about how she's doing. John and I smiled as we heard nothing but good reports. Please pardon me as I spend the next few moments gushing about my first born. ;)

Mrs. A showed us the results from a series of tests recently done with Sadie and her class. As well as shared with us an overview of her day. Sadie scored average and above average on each test! Sadie blushed as she read us her newest reading time book and pointed to each word. In less than three weeks, Sadie has earned 8 'pacers' [good behavior recognition]. One 'pacer' was given to her in gym class! Sadie was 1 of 2 awarded for being 'quick to obey' in the entire gym class!

I was on the phone with a good friend tonight telling her how all the structure from Sadie's day at school has trickled down into our home and brought so much more organization. Sadie is becoming more self aware and more invested in others around her. So great, for so many reasons! We plan to enroll Sadie in soccer and violin lessons this Spring/Summer! Oh, and one more fun fact: Her school includes "One nation under God..." in the pledge of allegience!

I'm doing my best to soak in this sweet season of NEW!

When all else fails...

2011-01-18T21:39:00.000-08:00

That your story is not finished yet.

David Crowder | How He Loves

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,

Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way?

Red Rocks Park

2011-01-15T16:02:00.001-08:00

Sadie's first Day of Kindergarten!

2011-01-05T21:26:00.000-08:00

Meeting some of her classmates!

A picture with her Teacher, Mrs. A!

I may or may not have been on the verge of balling, here ;)

Proud Dad!

The grand march into the school. Mrs. A is perfect for Sadie :)

Today I kept pondering the saying: "It takes a village...". The school holds families of all belief's and backgrounds. I thought about all the different kinds of children Sadie will meet and grow with. All the new idea's she'll receive. All the people who will inspire her and all the people she will inspire. The staff have always greeted us with smiles and seem to truly love what they do. Sadie told me today that she "loves this new Colorado state, and that she still loves her Minnesota friends, but, God sure brought her some great new Colorado friends, too!"

I feel at home, now.

:)

Twas the night before Kindergarten [in Colorado]

2011-01-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

I've written this post in my head a hundred times over. There were days I wondered if this post would ever be written.

John's Colorado Cousins/Aunt and Uncle are so friendly and welcoming! I feel like I've been a part of their lives for years already. Sadie and Lauren now have 8 cousins [ranging in age 13 down to infant] living near them--they play together great! Sadie will attend the same elementary school as 5 of them! The girls have several new 'Aunts and Uncles' to add to their already very loved collection! We also have FRIENDS here, [already]! The kind who swing by with dinner, love watching our girls and having heart-to-heart conversations! Wow.

Bumpa and Grammy, and Yampa and Yamma continue to be talked about daily! Plans for them to come visit are already in the works! GREAT-Grandparents are near and dear as well...!

The past few years, I've loved writing about some of the heart matters God has shown me during some very dark times. I feel like that style of writing was for a season. That season. Our family's schedule has sped up quite a bit [in a good way] and is more structured [so good for me]!

So. We finally made it to Colorado! I could go on and on about the amazing details of how this came to be, and how many great moments have already been lived, but I'd like to save that for when I see YOU in person, next. During the last year I shut down in many ways and clung for dear life to God, family and a few precious friends who listened and really extended a lot of grace toward me as I muddled through some hard trials. I'm eternally grateful to these people.

Now that I'm out of the woods [for now] I can look back, breath deep and really BEGIN to take note of just how much I've learned about myself and people in general. Easy for me to say now, but I feel honored to have experienced so much hardship all at once. Now I judge others less and have a little more understanding about how to listen and comfort others when their whole world [as they knew it] crumbles. And. I'm more humble and aware that I am very imperfect. HOW freeing!

I've learned that Hope is real. And if you go looking for them, God will bring the answers you need in the right time. And. He'll bring you to HIMself...

John and I made the decision [a few weeks back] that some things will never be spoke of again once we crossed over the MN boarder! A new chapter has begun. We're ready to dive in with all we have when it comes to church groups, neighbors, library activities, dinner dates, lunch dates, shopping trips, sight seeing, family gatherings, book clubs, MOPS group, grocery trips, school functions, playdates, yoga class, long walks, new friends, OLD friends... to name a few!

We're ready to be an average american family who enjoys normal things and has time to give back to others.

Tonight I sat on the kitchen floor and labeled Sadie's Kindergarten supplies. Her 'my little pony' backpack was clean and sparkly, her LPS lunch bag was packed and sitting in the fridge and the brand new crayons and pencils smelled great! I soaked in the moment that was stuck somewhere between past and present. A flood of baby and toddler 'Sadie memories' filled my head. I shed some tears and had some regrets BUT mostly excited thoughts. Sadie is ready for what's to come and so am I. And I couldn't help but think this is just step one of many lessons of 'letting go' for this Mama!

Please stay tuned, I plan to post pictures frequently!

Much Love,

Jen [John, Sadie and Lauren]

Packing Day

2010-12-26T21:14:00.001-08:00

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you to our parents: Rick & Barb, Dan & Diane [not pictured], siblings, uncle [not pictured] and amazing friends! We love you! A special thanks to my Mom, for watching the girls!

christmas gifts

2010-12-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

Here's the girls ripping into their gifts from us, Christmas Morning! These smiles were John and I's favorite presents, for sure!

a moment in time

2010-11-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

This morning was the start of day three at home doing the everyday grind [no moms group, playdates or appointments]. My mind was whirring with my own disjointed thoughts, as I responded to and directed the girls. Lauren had thrown up at Sadie's Homeschool Co-op yesterday morning. I decided to keep us all quarantined until the end of today to be sure whatever germs there may be, didn't spread. [Lauren is doing great now!]

So. It was art time, then lunch (interupted by garbage truck watching).

In the midst of flying marker caps, paper clippings and sippy cups; I decided to grab the camera and breath in my perfectly wonderful crazy normal day!

I love black and white pictures! They sure have a way of drawing your eye to the best part!

daddy and daughter

2010-10-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

fine fall fun

2010-10-11T12:44:00.000-07:00

Today, John and the girls and I went to a local orchard with my parents! The weather was warm, the scenery was stunning and the smells were amazing!

Enjoy this visual recap!

Pumpkin patch in 80 degree weather!

waiting [with hope]

2010-09-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

So much of life is waiting. I often wonder why the timing of one event doesn't always back right up to the next new endeavor. Why are there so many grey area's of... silence?

The last 3 years have been a lot of grey for John and I. But looking back on it, I see how much we've grown in charactor and stregnth as individuals and as a couple after being exposed to our selfishness and pride [and continuing to be]. I see how all the uncertainties have given us [silence] the ability to see clearly the dream God has placed in our heart - as well as a vision for our family.

Quiet times are uncomfortable, but I'm learning to embrace them and the people who so graciously stay by our side as we walk through our shadowy valley.

Our shadowy valley = no solid job, death of loved ones, broken relationships & financial strain.

Some trials last 2 months, some 2 years, some a lifetime. Trials = eternal perspective. The best is yet to come. We have hope and rich blessings [family, friends, beautiful children] surrounding us everyday.

Hope looks like unfailing love.

God is love.

Just over the last few months I have experienced healing and the ability to see color in the grey times. As well as not judge the way others face their trials. I credit all this to a loving God and the fact that putting my trust in Him has proven I can't do life in my own stregnth. But HE can. What a relief!

A few months ago, a sweet friend who I don't see often emailed me saying that she had been praying for me. That was such a reminder that God loves me and sees my situation. I love how when we're willing, Gods love moves through us.

Solid hope.

A while back I had a dream. John was at the grill in the backyard and the girls were a bit older and running around with their brother! He had black hair and a great laugh! I woke up just a moment later, and smiled.

I like to think that God gives us our passion [dream] and then a few idea's - often while walking through our shadowy valley. Followed by various opportunities to support anothers dream. And then one day an open door in the right time for our own.

"3. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

-Romans 5:3-5 (New Living Translation)

tears

2010-09-14T20:35:00.000-07:00

At this moment, I have more swirling in my head than I could ever put into words on this white screen. I think that if some thoughts became words and hit 'paper' they'd lose their original intent.

Earlier tonight, I pondered writing a post about how I've saved about $150 these past two months by using coupons from: The Sunday paper, Target mailers, Cubs in-store add and The Happenings Book. And, how I've bought what was not a match for more than a few intended coupons - shoot!

Or, perhaps an update about homeschooling with Sadie: How I've been blessed with the oportunity to watch her eyes light up as she sounds out words, adds m&m's and discovers how love wins! Like in the bible story of Ruth and Naomi. And, how I've pulled my hair out [at times] regretting taking on this huge commitment.

I also considered sharing a brief book review about Francine Rivers' story of Ruth [it's absolutely amazing] which I'm currently reading...

But.

Tonight, I am a "quiet waters run deep" sort of gal, who wears her heart on her sleeve. Sometimes to a fault.

Especially when it comes to this digital memory catcher I call: //wethehouses.blogspot//

So, I want to share a moment in time with my very tender-hearted 5-year-old [as well as remember John and I's 5th 'little baby' who lives in heaven.]

At bedtime:

Sadie: "Be-member (Remember) like 100 weeks ago when you had the baby in your tummy?" "I was so ub-cited (excited)."

Jen: "Yes, sweetie." "I Remember."

Sadie: "Why did that baby die?"

Jen: "We don't know." "The doctor didn't know." "Sad things happen sometimes."

Sadie: "Is your tummy still puffy?" Is the baby still in your tummy?"

Jen: "No, the baby is alive and happy and playing in Heaven with God and Uncle Dennis."

Sadie: "I wish I could've got to hold him."

Jen: "Me, too."

[hugs, tears.]

Sadie: "I'm gonna ask God to put another baby in your tummy."

Jen: "Well, God has a plan for how He'll bring the next child to our family."

Sadie: [grin.] *she's been praying for a little brother since her little sister was born.

Jen: "He might not be a tiny baby." "He will probably be a little bigger than Nini is right now." "But, he will be the right brother for our family."

[shared smiles through hugs and tears.]

I went on to tell Sadie about when I was 14 and visited children at an orphanage in Mexico, with Teen Mania Missions. The children rushed up against the side of our [parked] bus like a wave. Each child was smiling ear-to-ear and had both their hands high in the air - flashing the universal 'I love you' sign! I'm sure that is one of the most beautiful sights I have and will ever see.

I think of those children tonight. And their ability to believe the best [Gods love and grace in action] in the midst of their pain.

Years later the memory still brings me hope.

Somewhere out there is a seemingly hopeless situation.

[God placed it on John and I's heart to adopt.]

It's exciting to think that God will use our familys' loss and another childs' loss to write a new story for all of us.

"Our tears are sacred. They water the ground around our feet so that new things can grow." -Rob Bell

a [snapshot] of my girls

2010-09-10T21:34:00.000-07:00

then.

[lauren faith.]

[sadie elizabeth.]

and, now.

Here are some silly things you might overhear; over here, these days!

LAUREN:

"hi" = telephone.

"eyes" = sunglasses.

when she is upset she will say: "HEY-eeeeeyyyy" like a little pre-teen.

when she agree's she will say a soft, breathy "yea-ahhhh".

common questions include, but are not limmited to: "WHE-re DA-da?", "CEE-CEE!!!" (Sadie) - while looking at her with adoration and mimicking everything she does. And, "Maaaa-meeeee HOO-waahhhh's?!" (Mommy where's my shoes, can we go somewhere?)

SADIE:

Most recent conversation topics include: babies. animal babies. bugs. rocks. the color orange. God. the 'debil' (devil). strangers. friends. family. Uncle Dennis. heaven. homeschool. reading three letter words. baby 'Libia' (Livia).

her cutest words:

'be-side' = decide
'be-member' = remember

Aren't children the best?! Today was a hectic day that is part of a more hectic previous year paired with recent discouragement. But, I don't have to look any further than my daughters faces to see that God is good.

Tonight, I sat and listened to the rain while looking through baby photo's of the girls. The sweet memories filled my head. Thankfullness was found again. Precious friendships and family members counted. Hope, remembered.

As my Mom has told me of Motherhood: "The days are long, but the years are short."

May we all enjoy our days more than we simply tolerate them.

field trip

2010-08-31T15:06:00.000-07:00

Sadie is an amazing artist!

I picked up a free pass for two from the library.

So, the girls and I went to the big art museum down town!

Sadie brought along her journal and sketched her favorite pieces of artwork! She also learned about 'cool' and 'warm' colors!

At the end of the trip, she said: "I want to work at an art museum someday"!

grasshopper hunting

2010-08-28T19:54:00.000-07:00

pictures

2010-08-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

of the girls.

I can't get enough of them!

Reading, Writing & Arithmetic

2010-08-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

are the main subjects Sadie and I will cover in our first ever homeschooling adventure!

Because, I'm a visual person, I'll show you the plan:

Monday (after lunch, during Lauren's nap) 12:00 - 2:00

-prayer
-calendar/weather
-handwriting
-phonics
-math
-bible story [following the idea: 'Who is God?' Discovering God's charactor]

Tuesday 12:00 - 2:00

-prayer
-calendar/weather
-handwriting
-phonics
-math
-science

Wednesday 1:00 - 3:00

-prayer
-calendar/weather
-handwriting
-phonics
-math
-art

This is the basic outline. In addition, I have a detailed journal that organizes lesson plans. This week has been a review time and a "soft open to homeschool". :)

In addition to this Sadie will be in Dance and a Moms Group Kids Care as well as playdates with friends! I'm sure 'this' will change and be fine tuned over time! I'm glad we chose Abeka curriculum to keep us on track! Sadie does at least 2 pages from each workbook each 'school session' and then recites phonics. After this is the add on's: science projects, art, a little spanish, literature, bible lessons, cooking projects, field trips, nature walks... car repairs. Just checking to see if you were still reading? ;)

After much research and a year filled with heartache and Daddy gone long hours at work/school--we decided that HS was a good fit for our family this year.

I've always been intrigued by the idea of homeschooling. So far it's been great! I find it fun [as well as] a great motivator to keep the entire workings of the house in better shape! Almost makes me want to sit out on the front porch and churn butter! haha!

John and I see the value in traditional school and we're pretty sure our children will attend in the future. For now, it's amazing to 'stop and smell the roses' with my Kindergartener who believes education is exciting! I pray she continues a lifetime of learning with this same zeal!

[writing her lowercase letters.]

the O'Briens

2010-08-07T20:57:00.000-07:00

are wonderful people who we are so thankful for! We spent the day together at White Water State Park as well as their home! Great conversation, awesome food and play was our agenda! We've both added a child since visiting WW together in July of '08! What a gift to spend a day with friends who feel like family.

pride & joy

2010-08-05T23:18:00.000-07:00

"If I Had...

If I had my baby to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.

I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see the oak tree in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I'd model less about the love of power,
and more about the power of love."

-Diane Loomans

just add water

2010-08-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

when it's 97 degrees.

sunny.

and.

humid.

the result.

is.

lots of laughs!

we were kiddy pool giddy

2010-07-28T23:55:00.000-07:00

with our dear friends, the Gutierrez girls (+ little Sash) on this hot, hot day!

splish splash

2010-07-28T23:52:00.001-07:00

it was a

water park bash!!

with the wonderful White's.

what fun!

livia grace

2010-07-28T23:19:00.001-07:00

My baby

2010-07-26T21:56:00.000-07:00

isn't a baby anymore.

she amazes us more and more everyday!

Free slideshow personalized with Smilebox

someone is growing up

2010-07-25T23:14:00.001-07:00

way too fast!

This picture slideshow generated with Smilebox

on august 16, 2010.

dan, beth and baby livia

2010-07-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

aren't they adorable?!?!

they are my sis-in-law, her hubby and their 5 month old daughter!

i sure had fun taking their pictures!

sadie elizabeth & lauren faith

2010-07-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

taking in the moment

2010-07-11T20:22:00.001-07:00

we just got back from a week up north with my wonderful parents and grandparents. who are all amazing.

i was privileged to spend a lot of quality time with my grandpa. who we don't see often. my grandpa has faced the loss of his only son [my uncle] this february. and his wife's memory. [my grandma] recently being diagnosed with a fast-acting-dementia. yet. he is still thankful. he is a great listener. very wise. a great teacher. a great observer. and a complete joy to be with. he never complained. he was open and honest. but focused mostly on the good times. he loved to share funny stories. just the way he lives his life has recently affected me to my core. my grandpa got the memo that we only live once. he is 100% present. i'm grateful for that.

i hope to become a person who is noticed for the unspoken things i do, like my grandpa.

in honor of my uncle who recently moved to heaven and in honor of my grandpa and grandma. tonight i took in all that was in front of me. because you remind me to. just by being you.

thank you.

sweet summertime

2010-06-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

swimming.

swinging.

bonding.

family fun

2010-05-14T13:07:00.001-07:00

John wrapped up his Spring semester last night. No school for him, for 3 DAYS. He begins his summer class (1 of 2) Monday night. He is getting strait A's. All while juggling family and work like a pro! This morning we felt a spontanious family day [to come up for air] after a VERY busy two months was definately in order.

In no particular order, here is a fun recap of our time out as a family!

stream of consciousness

2010-05-13T22:39:00.001-07:00

picture style.

Sadie has become an avid bike rider. Just in time to turn 5. Nini enjoys to stroll along too. It's EXTRA exciting when the four of us get to do this together.

the girls still love sharing a bed. aside from a few clonks and bonks. and certainly some giggles and mischief. overall it's been going well. it really saves space. and today Sadie was really sad to not be with Nini while she was away from her. i'm glad for their new bond. and. i think it has something to do with their co-sleeping ways.

Nini is a proud mama. just like her big sis.

Sadie is an amazing artist.

Sadie did a great job at her first ballet.

almost brought a tear to my eye.

i'm thankful for her confidence.

the song: "be careful little eyes what you see... be careful little eyes what you see... for the Father up above is looking down in love... oh, be careful little eyes what you see..."

and so on. remember this one from Sunday school?? :)

a new favorite. nature hikes. and. collecting wood ticks. so far, the seasons count//Sadie: 2. Nini: 2. Mom 2. YUCK.

of course. any activity must accompany eating.

oldest=planner. youngest=free spirit.

ha ha!

my explorer

2010-04-27T22:01:00.000-07:00

This Girl is a true go-getter. Spirited. She is a friend to everyone she meets. Has a love for learning. She's extroverted and pointed with her words. Passionate. Tenderhearted and inquisitive. Extreme. A wonderful big sister and caretaker. Confident. Loyal. Thoughtful. Artistic.

I love the calm that rain brings.

And.

The opportunity to stand on the back porch and marvel at the beautiful young lady God entrusted me with.

hope

2010-04-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

"3. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. 5. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

-Romans 5:3-5 (New Living Translation)

our angel baby

2010-03-26T20:26:00.000-07:00

...born into Heaven on March 11th.

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

-Psalm 139:13-16

Journal Entry:

Monday, March 22, 2010

Dear little Baby,

I love you. My heart hurts. But, I see even now how God puts such great value on life. Every life. Wether you were here 8 weeks (in my womb) or on earth for 88 years. You are a unique treasure. Thank you for bringing so much joy into my life for four blissful weeks! I will always cherish that time.The details of your delicate unformed body were accounted for. You are baby #5 in the line up. (1.) Sadie Elizabeth: June 6, 2005. (2.) "David": May, 25, 2006 - born into heaven. (3.) "Grace" July 25, 2007 - born into heaven. (4.) Lauren Faith: August 16, 2008. (5.) "Matthew": March 11, 2010 - born into heaven.

I wish we could all be together right now. I'm glad God gave you to me. Your short time in my life has left an eternal impact. I'm so grateful for 4 weeks of irreplaceable ecstacy! Thank you for teaching me to embrace the beauty in this life, love deeper and help others who face this same heartache. I think of each of you everyday, you have made a mark in this world... Someday we'll all be together in the most beautiful place.

Love,
Mom

02/27/10

2010-03-07T20:34:00.000-08:00

I will remember this day for as long as I live.

My Uncle Dennis [my Mom's only brother] passed away unexpectedly, last Saturday. I will spare you the details as to how it happened and where he was. I want to focus on the amazing 53 years he spent on this earth. Rich and well lived years.

John, the girls and I were so glad to have spent the majority of the past week with my Mom's family. As dark as the occasion was it was filled with so much beauty, too. I'm amazed how God does this.

I think when we are left with a hole in our heart, in the shape of a loved one: to survive, we have to deeper embrace the one's we have left. Count our blessings and keep precious memories alive.

But, the other part of loss that currently facsinates me, is what goes on internally in each of us who are still here. I was given one. more. day. What will I do with this precious life? How will I help others? What kind of mark will I leave when I die?

Amazing how the rest of us are instantly closer. I will also [always] cherish the heartfelt, rich conversation between my Grandparents and I. Sitting in silence with my Aunt and cousins. Hugs. Looking at old pictures together. Laughing with family and meeting new distant relatives.

Around 500 people visited my Uncle at his wake, and over 200 at his funeral. These people included: Both his parents, his wife, his two sons, sisters, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, nieces, nephews, cousins, uncles, aunts, friends, co-workers, neighbors, classmates, his parents friends, and I'm sure I'm forgetting a few.

My Uncle Dennis was such a kind man. During his Eulogy, The Pastor challenged each of us to carry on the kind of life Dennis led. [Anyone else hope this is said at YOUR funeral?? I know I do!!] At the wake, This very thoughtful Pastor sat us family down and asked us how we would describe Dennis. Here's what I remember being said: Dennis was generous. kind. always thinking of others. knew what really mattered in life. positive. had a great laugh. knew how to have fun. loved the outdoors.

He was 100% present.

I heard a great story [one of many] from a guest who was at my Uncles wake. This man told my Grandpa that he had a tire go flat right in front of my Aunt and Uncle's home. [They live right off a major Highway]. My Uncle ran out and helped this man change his tire. This man said: He didn't have to help me. I'll always remember his kindness.

The little things are really the big things.

During the wake and funeral my Aunt [Dennis' wife] Stood. And. spoke with each guest. Travis and Kyle did the same [Dennis' sons]. Hugged them. Asked them about THEM. While visiting my Aunt at her home. She insisted I have some of the beautiful flowers from the funeral, and she arranged them nice and cute in a pickle jar. She interacted with the girls. She asked me about my current plans and my life in general. And she listened intently. She asked about my father-in-law's recent battle [and victory] over cancer. Her strength and sincerity awed me.

Dear Uncle Dennis,

Thank you for: Friendship. Living a life filled with integrity. Countless Christmas gifts. Smiles. Hugs. A ride on a horse when I was two-years-old. ATV rides with mud flying in the air. Filling the room with your great laugh at the Holidays. Memories at the cabin. Sitting around a campfire eating and listening to whippoorwill birds sing. Spending an overnight at your farm when Ryan and I were kids. Grilling great food at Travis and Kyle's grad parties. Opening every door to every building, to show us every animal, every time we visited. Thank you for showing me a life well lived and inspiring me to make the most of the rest of my days.

I love you.

Your Niece,
Jen

thankfulness

2010-02-22T23:42:00.000-08:00

It's 1:42 AM. I can't sleep. So I popped over to one of my favorite well-known-blogs. This woman is an inspirational mama to 4 children (all under age 5) and her 5th is on the way. At the bottom of her post, today, she had a link to a sweet 2-year-old girl who is battling cancer. According to the twitter account, she could pass away within a day or two. With tears in my eyes I said a prayer for that family [I don't know] tonight.

Dear God,

I ask along with the others that you would please heal her. Please bring wisdom to the doctors and nurses working with this little girl. If for some reason she is not healed, please bring people who will comfort this family and carry them through the weeks and months that follow.

Amen.

I sit here stunned [again] by the frailty of our lives. What a gift every day is. And wow, how blessed am I to have not one, but well over a dozen family members who I love dearly and they love me. We're all healthy. That simple fact is a miracle!

How many hours do I waste a day in discontentment? Too many.

Because I find writing so helpful to organize my thoughts. Here's a list of what I'm thankful for right now, in this moment.

I'm thankful for a husband who is hard working and does not complain. I'm thankful that my husband is honest with me and helps me to make good sound choices. I'm thankful that our love [on a good day] is based on dedication, selflessness and friendship. I'm thankful for family who love me unconditionally. I'm thankful for their support. And meaningful relationship with me. Who invest in me and walk through my life with me. I'm also thankful for friends who are the same way. I'm thankful to look back on three challenging years that John and I have weathered---in tact---only by God's grace. I'm thankful that God's mercy is new each day. A new story yet to be written.

I'm thankful for hope that promises victory after a trial.

stream of consciousness

2010-02-20T07:30:00.000-08:00

In no particular order. I will put my current thoughts in sentences for you to read. The house is quiet. My husband brought both girls to dance class. He's such a great husband and daddy! I should be cleaning and doing laundry. But. Instead I'm looking through old pictures and writing on my blog. I think these things are healthy. To. Just. Sit. And. Be. Still.

This is a Nini classic. Big Sister had a fascination with band aides this summer.

It makes my heart so happy to think that my daughters already have life long friendships. And. Me too.

Thinking of the O'Brien family today. What a special family they are to us.

I am realizing that Sadie is a lot like her daddy. The way she speaks. Her sense of humor. Her originality. I love her new ability to carry on semi-adult like conversations. And. I am constantly blown away by her profound truths.

Just got a call. John's swinging by so I can go run a few errands with him and the girls. I love how children bring the simple things to life. Brings me back to the present moment when I get consumed dreaming of my plans for my future schooling and career. I would be happy as the title wife and mom forever. What an honor. But. I think it's good to dream big so God can show up and do even bigger works in my life. I love how each season brings trials and great joys. Oh. How life can change in just one day. More on this later.

snow much fun

2010-02-11T18:45:00.000-08:00

Tonight, just before dusk we explored the untouched snow that was our backyard! Sadie slid down the snow covered slide, made snow angels, wrote in the snow with a stick and plowed "animal tunnels" with her arms! Lauren ate the snow and then went for a ride in her swing! I loved watching the wonder on their faces!

It's the little things!

stream of consciousness

2010-02-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

We've spent the last week at home due to their yellow boogers and loud coughs. I've actually loved just about every minute. Laying low and February seem to go hand in hand. I love the sparkle in their eyes.

They are such good sports. I take many sit-down-and-smile pictures of these two little people. I love these girls and seeing the glimpse of who they are becoming.

I love how small Lauren's mouth gets when she cries. It's cute at 3 p.m. Not so cute at 3 a.m.

Everyday. Every. Day. Sadie picks one toy or animal to role play with. Today was a pig. Pigs. to be more specific. She made me this ring. She cut two strips of paper. And. Each pig out of a workbook page. Glued them together. And. Yes. If you look closely. That is a round pig butt you see.

Later. There was much rejoicing when Sadie's egg hatched a piglet. I love how this child's mind works. She is really witty!

simply superb

2010-01-30T19:53:00.000-08:00

Saturday.

snapshot style.

wordless wednesday

2010-01-27T08:37:00.001-08:00

perception

2010-01-26T10:47:00.000-08:00

Before I was a Mother.

I spent much of my early childhood mothering dolls, and playing house. As a young adult, I read many parenting books and I worked with children. Actually, I have been around children most of my life. My Mom did in-home-daycare. I baby-sat often. Into my early twenties I was a Nanny, I worked at a daycare, and a Pre-Kindergarden. Then! My husband and I got pregnant! I was thrilled as I anticipated the fact that I was fully prepared with the best tools to be a great mother.

My child would never whine excessively, throw fits, or yell. I would always know how to discipline like a pro with my acquired skills. This is really what I thought as I walked the halls [with my large pregnant belly in tow] at the preschool where I worked. I was 23, and BOY, did God have a wake-up call coming for me!

I'm so glad He did.

With each new season God has for me, I've learned that God reveals new area's I need to grow in. I found that the beauty of parenthood is really the sharpening of self. Myself. [Of course, not that we ever reach perfection in ourselves or our children.]

In the pre-school classroom: I spent 8 hours, 5 days per week sowing into precious children's lives. I disciplined with skills I had been taught from teachers more experienced than myself. I was able to devote 100% of my attention to those precious little faces. At the end of the day I put my papers in the drawer, sprayed the tables, stacked chairs, turned off the light and locked the door. Done.

Then I got into my car, and went on with my personal life.

It's not this cut and dry anymore. I must tend to personal matters and often 'round-the-clock care for both our girls. God turned up the intensity. And it's beautiful! Really. At times, intensely difficult, but often simultaneously intensely beautiful and rich. Prayer has become like air, a matter of life and death. A necessity.

I have been humbled time and time, again. I now know that love covers a multitude of my wrongs. I've learned to be transparent, validate my daughter's questioning and respectfully ask for my daughters forgiveness when I wrong her.

I learn as I go. I strive every day to be consistent. I do put to good use many great discipline techniques. But, for the most part, I find my confidence in knowing that I won't reach perfection. Rather, God will be the Great in me.

God has sharpened me more than I was a year ago. I find rest in knowing that ultimately My girls belong to Him. And what an honor that He trusts me to raise them.

My blogging friend wrote this great post: http://mommymonkeyblog.blogspot.com/2010/01/you-go-mama.html

"Intense love does not measure, it just gives."
~ Mother Teresa

not me, monday!

2010-01-25T12:02:00.000-08:00

The other day while cleaning out the car I most certainly did NOT allow my sweet 1-year-old to cry in the back door way. And, I did NOT wave to her with a big smile on my face hoping to calm her as I passed by the back of the car. I would never ignore my attention-craving toddler. Nope, NOT me.

As I was picking up the living room earlier, I did NOT sweep crumbs right on to the floor, and I especially did NOT kick them under the couch, I would never!

Before guests arrived a few nights ago, I did NOT fill an empty suitcase with unfolded clean clothes and toss it in the spare bedroom. Who would do this? NOT me.

I certainly did NOT bribe my spirited 4-Year-old with a sucker to calm her as I clipped her toes nails. I have full control of my child's behavior at all times. So, I would never resort to bribery, NOT me!

I always give my children healthy meals containing every food group, so, I did NOT give my girls cheese, trail mix and [just] bread for lunch yesterday. NOT I!

These jeans I have on today. It would NOT be my fourth time wearing them. My frequent same-pair-of-jeans wearing would have nothing to do with the large pile of unfolded clean laundry downstairs. Of course, NOT!

Happy Monday Everyone!

sister love

2010-01-23T22:45:00.000-08:00

stream of consciousness

2010-01-23T16:47:00.000-08:00

I adopted this concept from MckMama at: mycharmingkids.net. The idea is. That you write exactly what you think. Unedited. Without proper grammar. Or punctuation. So here goes.

I have had a nice low-key weekend with my three favorite people. It's been much needed. It was a busy week. My husband is graciously cooking us his second meal. YUM. The house smells amazing. My husband is amazing. He's studying in the bedroom. And I'm trying to be patient with the girls at the end of the day. I'm a bit bored. So are they. I played 'house' on the floor with the girls. I tried hard to stay enthusiastic. I think I did. I did laundry. Three loads so far. They will most likely never make it to the dressers and closets. Because they get worn first.

I'm thinking of a sweet couple tonight. Actually two couples. Who had to say goodbye to their first babies. Way too soon. So wrong. So. Sad. I pray for them as my heart gets stirred and words come to my mind. I feel so honored to reach out to others and offer some comfort as a result of the pain I have felt in the past. God is so cool like that.

We are blessed. We are. To have our health. And. Two little girls who get into everything. Someday I'll miss the messes. And long for the constant chatter and drama. I want to be present. God, please help me to soak in the treasures that surround me today.

I made it a point to be at eye level with my girls today. A lot. The wonder on their face captivates me. The way their lashes curl and the sparkle reflects from their eyes is so intricate. The way their hair sways [as they play] and presents various hues of the same color is evidence of a majestic Creator. I enjoy having a front row seat in their lives.

Nini is playing in the dog dish as I type this. Oh well. I lost my temper a few too many times today. My husband and children need so much support right now. Something. Every. Two. Minutes. But, I remember it's an Honor. It's the breaking down of me. Less of me. More of Him. Is the result. *sigh* Thank you, God for my current ordinary life. Filled with extraordinary moments. Each day is such a gift.

Nini met a new friend tonight:

Cleaning her face with a wet wipe.

Carefully wiping her nose.

A Kiss!

Smiling at her new friend.

Dip, Baby. Dip!

dashing through the snow

2010-01-15T12:08:00.000-08:00

legacy

2010-01-11T22:02:00.000-08:00

"He said to me I was a tree in a story about a forest, and that it was arrogant of me to believe any differently. And he told me the story of the forest is better than the story of the tree."

~Donald Miller
A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

I recently spent a morning visiting with my amazing grandparents. My sweet Mom and I packed up the girls and made the 90 mi. trip to wonderful Watkins, MN.

Sadie and Lauren did their usual horsing around. You know, Lauren performed her cute "tricks" and Sadie lifted her shirt while bouncing on the couch, telling stories about her new puppy and her boyfriend, Drew. I so adore watching the glimmer in my Grandpa and Grandma's eyes as they watch their great-Granddaughters toddle around their neat, and tidy home.

Just after lunch [my Mom brought an amazing picnic style lunch!! THANK YOU, Mom!], my Mom and I sat down next to my Grandparents as my Grandpa opened up a very large photo album titled "Our life".

And the book really was that, their life in picture form!

I have seen some of these pictures in the past... but this particular morning, I got to really SEE them, and hear the stories behind them. Fascinating.

In 1951, my grandparents met at a 'farm animal feed supply' store in town. My grandma was the beautiful young secretary, my grandpa was the handsome young farmer who walked in to pick up his order. My Grandpa's words, "I went in to get chick feed, and I found my Chick!"

Next came 1952, my Grandpa was drafted over to Korea for the war. There he was a Medic for two years. He told several stories of the friends he made, the horror he was a part of, his duties and the culture in Korea. I could have sat and listened for days.

Then, 1954 brought my Grandparents wedding! The stories continued to flow as we went from page to page. Pictures of their home filled with friends, hired help on their farm, family and cousins having a pig roast and playing on giant hay piles. My Mom and her siblings doing chores and playing with farm animals.

I got teary eyed a few times as I took in the beauty of their life. I realized, we are all a miracle. How we came to be, How our parents happened to meet, how our grandparents survived wars and how their ancestors survived fatal diseases. Wow, it just hit me!

God is always at work behind the scenes in our lives.

As we neared the end of the book, Sadie took interest and I treasured every moment as she listened to her Great grandparents tell her stories about her Grammy and mommy when they were little. So beautiful.

My Grandparents never sought out college, or pursuing a prestigious title. They worked hard and they invested themselves in the people around them. Their life was and is blessed; filled to the brim, then overflowing, and filled up over and over again.

One of my favorite stories was about a boy who came to work on their farm for the summer. He was known to be a bit wild and he was getting bad grades in school. His father was an alcoholic.

As this boy was taking a break one day, my dear Grandma took him aside and told him: "You are smart! You do great work for us! You need to get better grades in school!" And, as the story goes. This boy got all A's next quarter. (I like to think that my Grandma was the first adult who really believed in him & challenged him!) Imagine the way his new outlook bettered the people around him.

Awesome.

My new mindset & goal: to have a book full of pictures that will inspire my Grandchildren in the same way.

mother teresa

2010-01-08T19:50:00.001-08:00

People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered;

forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives;

be kind anyway.

If you are successful you will win some false friends and true enemies;

succeed anyway.

If you are honest people may cheat you;

be honest anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous;

be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow;

do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the end, it is between you and God;

it was never between you and them anyway.

treasures

2010-01-06T22:27:00.000-08:00

Sadie adding the final touches to her cupcake...!

TAH-dah!!! [Our masterpiece's!]

HUGS for Daisy!!! *gasp*

[cheeeeeeese!] I made this 'lil scarf from Sadie's Blanket scraps!

Sadie the Artist!! (This is 'Austin' from Backyardigans!)

Sadie, Grammy and Lauren! [My mom and I cut and tied together the lovely Backyardigans blanket Sadie is wearing!]

An at-home science experiment! [mixing colors!]

word worksheets!

building words!

2010

2010-01-03T16:13:00.000-08:00

My family and I just got back from a relaxing weekend at my Grandparents cabin. I was pondering about the
'newness' of the new year and the 'freshness' of a fresh start! Oh! I'm excited!

Here is my most recent food for thought:

(1.) homeschooling.

(2.) being present.

(3.) nurturing deep friendships.

(4.) believing the best.

(5.) Consistency.

As I near my 30's, I am clinging more to the small things. Less comparing. More embracing. Less title seeking. More unseen giving. And praying and hoping that my days are spent doing what I'm made to do.

Happy New Year, Everyone!

John and I ATV riding during our October trip to Colorado.

a letter

2009-12-15T21:53:00.000-08:00

to my daughters.

My hope, my dream, my prayer for you as you go, as you grow and as you learn and begin to know, know so much more... as your current small, simple world begins to widen, deepen and all around expand; I pray that you know who you are. Really. That you see your worth, as you are in God's eye's. Not in comparison to the company that you're in, the clothing you wear or the title you hold.

Carefully choose friends. Friends who are honest and have a desire to stretch themselves and challenge you in your convictions, as well. Friends who will cheer you on. Avoid those who want to steal the spotlight. Invest in those around you. Friends are for blessing. Never give to get. Be the friend who is treasured. I hope you grasp entirely the passion of the dream God places in your heart. Embrace adversity, learn, and rise above it; Or it will consume you. Allow this pattern to happen over and over... it will make you stronger and it is most likely a sign that you are headed in the right direction. Don't let what others say cause you to fear taking that first step.

Smile with confidence when you fail. Know that you are simply learning, like everyone else. Self loathing only magnifies the problem. Pray. Pray. And pray some more. When you are corrected, don't resist or make excuses, but be gracious and examine your heart. When you wrong another, go to them. Apologize. Create boundaries when necessary. Share your pearls only with your gems. When someone is mean, have extra grace for them, because somewhere down the road they [most likely] feel they weren't given enough. Don't allow a hurt to cripple you. Forgive and Move on.

Aim to be the first to: say 'hello', smile, compliment, shake hands, use their name and make eye contact. Listen and observe more than you speak. Small acts of kindness can impact another for a lifetime. The small things are really the big things. Let your word, be your word. Remember that your time with another is their gift to you and visa versa. Put your best foot forward.

Know that these are goals, not always obtainable in the moment. Perfection is a trap. The people who love you most will let you down, it's Ok. You will let them down, it's Ok. We are all human, really, it's Ok. Cling to the hope, peace and joy that you will find only in God, who is your loving Heavenly Father.

God entrusted me with the responsibility to raise you... but, at the age of 27, your presence in my life, has already taught me more than I ever knew I needed to learn. I'm excited to guide you [and watch you] as you grow, and I pray that you one-day 'stand on my shoulders'.

Love,
Mom

Sadie "taking Lauren's picture" the day she came home from the hospital.

:sigh:

the best gift.

2009-12-13T14:42:00.000-08:00

"The night before Christmas" by Brandon Heath

Empty manger, perfect stranger, about to be born.
Into darkness, sadness, desperate madness, creation so torn.
We were so lost on earth, no peace, no worth.
no way to escape.
In fear, no faith, no hope, no grace ,and no light
but that was the night before Christmas.
Warm hay, cold sweat, a mother, not yet.
Praying godspeed the dawn.
She looks to her man, holding her hand. They wonder how long.
And the shepherds, wise men come to find them, and bow to a king.
One star above shining on love, so bright it lit up the night before Christmas.

CHORUS:
And the world didnt know mercy was meek and so mild.
And the world didnt know that truth was as pure as a child.
The night before Christmas.
The night before Christmas.
And the world didnt know, redemption was sweet and so strong. And the world didnt know salvation was writing a song.
The night before christmas.
The night before christmas.
The night before christmas.
Empty manger, perfect stranger, about to be born.

oh, baby.

2009-11-19T20:16:00.000-08:00

Miss lauren Faith is now 15 months old, and about to walk on her own... any day, now!

She loves taking care of her babies. By feeding them, hugging them and pushing them in the stroller.

And she also loves to do *everything* that her big sister does. [Including giving her hugs!]

And. Hello!!!!! Sibling rivalry!!!!!! BUT. Still very sweet to see them interact!

Oh, and I can't get enough of her little leggies and feeties! ;)

steadfast

2009-11-19T19:22:00.000-08:00

It was a press, a stretch, and a real strain to find contentment today.

You know, that time during a trial when you start to see a glimmer, a guess, or a hint as to what the solution may be?

That's where I was at today.

I wondered.

And pondered.

[While I wiped a mystery particle off of my baby's face. And then opened the fridge to fetch her bottle.]

Do I breath deep and simply slump down in my chair, go through the motions, fill time or check-out?

It's very tempting. And I'd be lying if I said I never did.

Is there more to do, learn or find, I ask?

These thoughts led to more questions.

Do I try too hard?

Am I 100% present?

Do I compare and compete?

What does putting my hope in God really look like?

As I sit here and reflect.

I think of a classic Dr. Seuss Book: Horton Hatches the Egg. [One of Sadie's favorites!]

Throughout the story Horton tends to an abandoned egg, and is met by challenge after challenge.

Horton the Elephant always replied:

"I meant what I said

and I said what I meant...

an elephant's faithful

one hundred per cect!"

Webster defines it:

Main Entry: stead·fast
Pronunciation: \ˈsted-ˌfast also -fəst\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English stedefast, from Old English stedefæst, from stede + fæst fixed, fast
Date: before 12th century
1 a : firmly fixed in place : immovable b : not subject to change
2 : firm in belief, determination, or adherence : loyal
synonyms see faithful
— stead·fast·ly adverb
— stead·fast·ness \-ˌfas(t)-nəs, -fəs(t)-\ noun

So, I'm thinking.

It's more about my heart motive and my attitude than *even* the task at hand.

trust

2009-10-28T13:40:00.000-07:00

Psalm 16 (The Message Bible)

1-2 Keep me safe, O God, I've run for dear life to you.
I say to God, "Be my Lord!"
Without you, nothing makes sense.

3 And these God-chosen lives all around—
what splendid friends they make!

4 Don't just go shopping for a god.
Gods are not for sale.
I swear I'll never treat god-names
like brand-names.

5-6 My choice is you, God, first and only.
And now I find I'm your choice!
You set me up with a house and yard.
And then you made me your heir!

7-8 The wise counsel God gives when I'm awake
is confirmed by my sleeping heart.
Day and night I'll stick with God;
I've got a good thing going and I'm not letting go.

9-10 I'm happy from the inside out,
and from the outside in, I'm firmly formed.
You canceled my ticket to hell—
that's not my destination!

11 Now you've got my feet on the life path,
all radiant from the shining of your face.
Ever since you took my hand,
I'm on the right way.

I love pictures.

I look at these random moments and realize that these pieces of time with loved one's are all that matters. Besides God, and His Love.

There is a verse that reads something like this: "Better is one day in Your house, than thousands elsewhere." [Better to spend one day in God's saving Grace and Love, than walk through life without it... in other words; I realize that success will reveal itself as empty outside of God's Love for me, and those around me. Wow.]

Now that I am in the middle of a hard time, I sit here and type, and I actually find myself thankful for what God is exposing to me and 'peeling away' from me. I wish this hard time would just vanish, but then again it's IN this hard time that I once again find God to be my closest, faithful friend.

I'm so thankful for friends who are willing to help me. I love hearing how others survived hard times, what they find difficult and that they are not perfect either. Validation and transparency are so priceless, aren't they?!

I find hope in knowing that God will help me through, and that I can help someone else in return.

How beautiful.

transparency

2009-10-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

It was Bedtime.

9:04 pm.

Sadie: "Will you rub my back?"

Me: "Sure."

[silence].

Me: "I love your Daddy, I'm sorry you had to see us fight tonight, Mommy was wrong to not use my manners with Daddy."

Sadie: "Do you and Daddy always love me? I will keep making good choices."

Me: "Oh, Sadie, Mommy and Daddy love you no matter what kind of choices you make. Both Mommy and Daddy always love you, no matter what. Sometimes, Mommy's and Daddy's make poor choices and we need forgiveness."

Me: "Will you forgive me?"

Sadie: "Yes, I do."

Sadie: "Will God come back now?"

[my heart suddenly clogged my throat!]

I said: "Oh Hunny, God is always with us. He loves us no matter what we do."

Sadie: "Ok!"

As I sit here and write this at 12:30 AM. I am still processing this monumental moment with my very-aware-precious-four-year-old daughter. I am humbled once again, that God trusts me to raise my two children. Really. It hits me like a truck sometimes!!!

I wish now, that I would have explained more about the beauty of forgiveness and unconditional love, and of course NOT argued with my husband.

But, the truth is, I sin.

And perfection is unattainable.

I rest in knowing that I was transparent.

And I pray that I remember the way God spoke to me through my preschooler.

I hope as a parent that I create an atmosphere that allows room for failure, so that my children (and me and my husband!) can operate in God's endless mercy and grace and be sharpened as a result.

Sadie went on with our conversation in the most happy and forgiving way (not holding onto one ounce of anger towards me). Sadie asked how God made the earth. Then, that turned into me telling Sadie that 'God made flowers just to see you smile'.

wow.

I am reminded once again, that this is the way my Heavenly Father wants to relate to me.

little artist

2009-09-03T11:03:00.000-07:00

applesauce + flour + food coloring = homemade non-toxic thick paint! :)

Sadie had a blast mixing blue, red and yellow as she created her masterpiece!

A million ways...

2009-09-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

...to wear a headband.

the.daily.grind

2009-08-23T22:23:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna write this

as I think it.

my days are long

but so rich.

I hold out for more

but I desperately need

to be captive in my present

state.

I feel like I am on

the sidelines.

when will I

get to be

all in.

Then I remember

that God is at work

as quiet waters

run deep.

my personal dreams

I'll save.

they'll be best in

their right time.

Ideal family time

is first and foremost

my desire.

hope for a

regular schedule.

I'll press through.

cheering on my husband

and reering my daughters

97% of the time

is my goal

today.

and that is enough.

I love my family.

and I love

my friends.

I poor myself into them

all.

as best as I

know how.

this is what life

is all about.

giving.

loving.

loving God.

more importantly.

God loving me.

God forgiving me.

daily.

So I can try my best to

mirror His

Love.

to everyone

my path

crosses.

To encourage

and not criticize.

to be aware

of a way to help.

a smile to give.

a hug needed.

a listening ear.

I'm thankful to

remember this.

now.

now...

what was I

so upset

about?

One.year.old

2009-08-23T22:07:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, August 16th. Miss Lauren Faith House turned One. Many of our family and closest friends gathered. It was perfect!

dreams

2009-08-09T23:09:00.000-07:00

The other day I heard someone say: "Knowing is half the battle."

And that pretty well sums up where I am at, right now.

So many dreams.

I am antsy. I'm researching and reading. And getting too consumed.

Trying to hard to make too much happen too soon? Maybe.

I'm trying.

Trying hard to stay balanced.

John and I have been 'stirring the pot' of our life for a little over two years now.

Plans for new careers, adopted children, school, missions help... new, new, new.

We're so anxious for what's ahead... but trying hard not to dismiss what's right in front of us.

After all, I must remember these things will only be right and good if they come to pass in God's timing.

So.

We wait.

And we trust.

Because we must.

For my own sanity purposes. I am going to write down some times when God showed up in [seemingly impossible] situations during the 6 + years that John and I have been married.

2003: My job ended 6 weeks before my new one started. God brought me a 6 week temporary Nanny job!

2007: John needed a new job. He was hired at Mayo Clinic as a web video editor. This field is nearly impossible to get into, let alone a good paying position. God found both!

2008: Lauren was born. Healthy and full term [36 weeks along.] After 2 years of wondering if we would be able to have another baby... God came on the scene.

I know there are countless times when God has intervened... These are just some that stick out to me.

My prayer tonight:

That God would help me (and you) to be confident as I (we) wait. To be diligent. To trust that He will open doors. And to never forget just how much He loves me (us).

Amen.

today

2009-08-04T21:33:00.001-07:00

Today was one of those days where several things I have been hoping for, for quite some time, happened all at once. It's been a flood of "ah ha!" moments and many smiles.

The morning started off with a play-date with a new friend. We have tons in common, our kids played wonderfully! Then it was off to a wading pool that is free and just 5 minutes away from our house! And then our annual block party, where we met new neighbors and got reaquainted with neighbors we breifly met when we lived here before. Turns out there are some GREAT families just a few feet from my own door step!

God is so good! I am beginning to think [know] that God is at work a lot more than I realize.

[Side note: We lived in this same house 2 years ago. Moved to Rochester. Rented it out. Left Rochester. Moved back into this house. Also. We attend a different church than we did when we lived here before.]

So, life is all new. Once again.

And, I love it.

I did not always love change. But now I embrace it.

Because, I see more and more everyday (on a good day, I should say) how valuable it is. How irreplaceable and unique it is. I'll never get it back. Today, that is.

This past week, I've been asking God to show me all the little things [actually big things] that He does.

Just in this last week:

I have been privileged enough to give//receive a genuine hug and smile from the sweet Vietnamese woman who does my eyebrow waxing and pedicures. I got to know her, and hear her story... She spent 5 years away from her husband (with two young children) while he was obtaining their passage into the US. She grew up on a coffee and tea farm in Vietnam.

The man at the post office remembered Sadie and gave her stickers because she was crying.

I received two very heartfelt thank you cards in the mail.

I received a call from a new friend to join with her and start up a 'connections group' at our church.

I found and am reading a book about a woman who was in the peace corps in Africa. She became friends with//assisted a midwife in a small rural village. The story is fascinating and really feeds the 'missionary' in me.

I met a new friend who has many things in common with myself and my family. Not just coincidence, but a God thing, I think.

I was able to befriend a neighbor just 3 doors down (hey, isn't that a band name?) who is a new mom and feeling quite isolated.

Later this week, I will get to go out for dinner with two women who have been//are like sisters to me for about 5 years now.

My family is all within 15 minutes of my home. We love to see them, and they love to babysit. Peeeer-fection!

My husband is amazing. Get's up at 4 AM Monday through Thursday to provide for us.

My girls are healthy.

We are healthy.

We have a home.

Two cars.

And food.

Doctors.

[This could go on all night...]

I share all this simply as a reminder to myself, that God is always at work.

So, when I feel overwhelmed and feel like nothing is going right. I'll try hard to remember this list.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A dear friend of mine recently reminded me the other day, to live in today.

To take in all that is right in front of me.

And little by little, I'm getting it.

a hero

2009-08-02T21:08:00.000-07:00

This man is my Grandpa Kramer. My Mom's Dad. He is, for so many reasons, my hero. He served in the Korean war as a Medic. I have never heard him complain. Not even once. He thoroughly enjoys life. He works hard and has created a beautiful life for his family [and received Gods blessings]. He is wise, and thankful in a way that only a soldier is.

The depths of his sacrifice, [and every other soldier] I believe, are unfathomable to those of us who have not been there. He narrowly missed death several times. He stared the possibility of death in the face each time he crossed battle fields to drag and/or carry fellow wounded soldiers to safety. I have heard a few stories and will spare you the graphic details.

When his platoon was dropped off at their station my Grandpa prayed a simple prayer. Something like this: "Dear God, I, Ralph Kramer, your faithful servant, vow to serve my country well. If you spare my life, I will be a good citizen and a good man. Amen."

God answered his prayer.

And, my Grandpa made good on his word.

(I believe this type of praying is a really good thing!)

My Grandpa and Grandma got engaged just before my Grandpa was drafted. I believe my Grandpa was in the service for 2 years. While my Grandpa was in active duty, my Grandma rarely heard from a him; Just a few letters, I believe. They were married not long after my Grandpa was home.

Just about 10 months after they got married, my mom was born.

I'm just pondering this for the first time tonight!

Leave WAR. Get Married. Have a baby.

All. In. One. Year.

amazing.

I am so thankful that God spared my Grandpa's life out on those battle fields. I often wonder why some die and some don't... But, I know I am thankful that God had me in mind even then in 1953 on a battle field in Korea. God had a plan for my Grandpa's life. For his children. And for his children's children.

I'm thankful tonight that God can see the bigger picture.

mercy and goodness

2009-07-26T22:58:00.000-07:00

Hold Fast
by Mercy Me

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord
Here He comes

This song has been in my head all day. John and I thoroughly enjoyed the message at church this morning! It was all about not letting trials consume us, taking in all that is to enjoy in the now, and to persevere!

And.

Stellan, pictured bellow needs prayer. He is facing a life threatening trial... you can click on the picture to read more.

Quick kiddo update: