Sunday, May 20, 2012


This is my story of our sweet baby who lived inside me just 10 short weeks. He was a surprise and his short unborn life has meaning. Noah went to heaven four nights ago... I laid in a hospital bed... I pray tonight for the many other moms who will be wheeled through the same ER doors for the same reason. Noah is our 6th child and the 4th heaven homed baby. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ David is now just turned 6 (in heaven.) *may 2006 - 8 wks gestation Grace is now almost 5 (in heaven.) *july 2007 - 5 wks gestation Matthew is now just over 2 (in heaven.) *march 2010 - 8 wks gestation and now sweet Noah is 4 days old in the arms of loved ones (in heaven.) *may 2012 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Each baby I've lost has left me with a "golden nugget" about life and taken a piece of my heart. Both are an honor. A beautiful scar. I'm reminded tonight that as Steven Curtis Chapman sings (of his young daughter who died)... "we're all taking the long way home." Each baby has taught me about love, grace and courage. Doctors do not have a certain reason as to why we have lost four babies... yet? We are undecided if finding a reason this time is needed. Each precious loss has taught me: that love always wins. that grace is real and powerful. that courage will bring me to amazing new places. Being treated in a hospital and enduring pain all to leave without a baby in my arms is devastating to say the least. But. The amazing staff have blown me away each time with their kindness and compassion for my baby and me. Nurses and Doctors are hero's. The other night, I encountered medical staff who cried with me, held my hand and gave their best. Somehow I was never scared and I felt a deep peace - a real miracle. The doctor would say: "aren't you in a lot of pain?" Yes, I was in pain - but my body was somehow at rest. In the bible James 1:2 talks about how we will face many trials... and that if we hold on to hope we will not be crushed. The process of faith, I feel, is filled with seasons of doubt and anger and confusion because I live in a broken world and I am human. And, I believe God can handle my stumbling around; He never leaves my side. My heaven homed children are happy and to them we will all be together in just moments. In the meantime, I continue to pray and ask God to heal my broken heart, to heal my family's broken heart. To bring us the little baby we dreamed of years ago. Bring purpose to this suffering. To bring about His will. I know God hasn't forgotten my family. When I get a glimpse of what love means I see that I have nothing to fear. Noah, We all wanted you so much. You are a treasure. We wish we could hold you... We love you everyday.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

twas the night before mother's day...

Today was the fourth day of not seeing more than a few [quality] moments of my husband. He currently works second shift while attending full-time college. My husband is Superman. I have yet to see his cape. I'm sure this is because he is humble. He only seeks the spotlight when looking to bring laughter to others. I play the part of wife and mother who homemakes, and, homeschools.
Now for a deeper layer of truth, my gracious God breaks me and bends me in his beautiful ways... He exposes the dark areas of my heart. He shows me unconditional love in the eyes of my children. He gives me wisdom through the words of my husband. I look at my messy home and I see that my dear Savior grants me endurance in the form of painful daily sacrifices. I. get. to. serve. Like every mom, I am stretched [often to tears, almost daily]. But, deep down I know that God has a plan and He loves my kids more than I do. When I get tangled up, God quietly leads me back to peace. God is love. I have to tell myself moment-by-moment "I have the gift of two busy healthy daughters." My girls no longer nap. Life goes on is our own beautiful story being written from sun up 'til sun down. I must remember. I sit here tonight, and, I realize that my treasures will not be recognition Sunday morning at church. Not flowers, gifts or chocolates. My treasures are already all around me. They are the eternal kind. "Love begins at home, and, it is not how much we do... but how much love we put in that action." -Mother Teresa