Sunday, July 12, 2009

beauty from ashes

I've had a few things rolling around in my head and heart, today. So, if you would like to hear about them. Please pull up a chair, perhaps grab a cup of coffee or warm tea before you dive in with me.

Topic # 1.

Out of no where, [last night] I sat and cried, I was hit once again, by the loss of John and I's first miscarried baby. John and I were laying in bed. I was telling him how I have such an itch to get pregnant again. We both agreed that we should wait to 'try again' at least until Christmas time, for a number of reasons. Then, I lay there in John's arms and just sobbed. Why? I thought. Because, it hit me that Sadie was 11 months old when we lost our precious 'baby #2' to miscarriage at almost 8 weeks pregnant. It was May 25, 2006. Lauren is now just about 11 months old. That same age. That hit me, I just sobbed and squeaked out... "I really wanted that baby". Of course, we both did. And for some reason I just really needed to make that clear again. Grief is a strange phenomenon.

We miscarried during our second pregnancy, a baby who we named 'David' (which means Beloved, and is also John's middle name).

Then, fast forward to July 25, 2007. We loose our third baby to an early miscarriage. I was almost 6 weeks pregnant. We named this baby 'Grace'. Because this baby taught me the true meaning of grace (another meaning of the word: endurance).

Then, I believe you all know the wonderful next part... Pregnancy #4: Lauren Faith House. Girl. Born alive and well on August, 16th 2008. PRAISE God!

I realized tonight that I wasn't remembering the miscarriages as two separate events. Over time, I have lumped the two events together. It hit me last night that no one knew them (here on earth) or has really acknowledged them (that I know of) since a year or so ago. Now, I don't expect others to recall this. But, as these precious babies' Mama I had an overwhelming urge to remember them last night. Both of them. And so, that is what John and I did. And that was enough. :)

The next part to my story.

The victory that God has brought from this tragedy:

Topic #2.

As of about 6 months ago, John and I are in agreement to adopt one or two older children from Foster Care in the future. I know God will bring us the right children... we're thinking around the age of 5... when our biological children are all about averaging at this age as well. But, God will work it out. The timing. The child(ren). Their age(s). I'm realizing the whole nature of adoption is very unpredictable. [Unpredictable events = more stretching for me.] John and I both agreed the other day that 5 may be our number [of children] when it's all said and done. I love the "blank slate" that life so often is.

As a couple, I know this desire stemmed from our own losses. We desire to give the gift of a loving, goofy, quirky, Godly family to a child or two who may very well never get that chance as they will be older and in the Foster Care system.

You can view pictures of US waiting children at (copy and paste in your search bar).

[we're not 100% sure we'll adopt from the US, but we are leaning in that direction.]

I already like to think that our babies in heaven are looking down and smiling at us, as we someday welcome an adopted child(ren) in their honor. I already smile at the thought of our [many] children coming home for christmas with their babies... Long after the strain and struggle of adjusting, blending together and earning their trust. As you probably already know, I love to hit the "fast forward" button and day dream every so often.

This past month I have been reading [online] every article about older child adoption, adoption in general and childhood grief I can find. I'm also reading a book titled; "20 things I wish my parent's would have known before they adopted me". This is an amazing, extremely detailed book. Just up my alley to provoke endless deep thoughts. :)

I have always told John if I have a piece of paper that says a child is mine, they will be mine in every meaning of the word. I am so glad to share that John now shares this same thought with me. I've always wanted to adopt, now my dear husband does too. Amazing how God brings back heart desires to bloom in their right season.

I can see how events that have taken place in these past few years [several hard things...] are stretching me and forcing me to handle more. Get more organized. More self sufficient, and multi-task more efficiently. So, my prayer tonight, is something like this:

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for toughening me up. Thank you for challenging me, and for carefully watching me, while I "take my first step". Thank you for letting me question you. Thank you for allowing me to fail. Thank you for meeting me where I am at, and teaching me. Thank you for bringing beauty from ashes. Thank you for growing in me a desire to embrace the dreams you've put in my heart.


The link bellow will bring you to a story of a sweet little girl who needs a miracle. Sadie and I have prayed for her. I believe with them, that God is going to show Himself faithful to many through this. I found out about her through a well known blog. This family also posted a video of their story on YouTube. They have over 30,000 hits on their caring bridge site so far. (copy and paste to your search bar).

Prayers for Stellan


OlsonFamily6 said...

jen, you are amazing, and your strength always keeps me in awe. my mom used to tell me that when things would come on my heart like that, and would get me so upset, its because the holy spirit is reminding you that others are still suffering the same sadness that you've gotten through. you have such a tender heart, and i believe that you will be such a ministry to other people going through the same thing. :)

John said...

Thanks so much, Leslie. :) This note made my day!


Andrea Gutierrez said...

I remember your two babies with you! Love you Jen, so glad to have a great friend in you! To our three heaven-homed children and to everyone else who has lost a child, we love you and can't wait to meet you/see you again. Great note Jen!

John said...

Thank you, Andrea. I feel the same way... I'm glad God put you in my life... thank you for being a true friend :)

[You too, Leslie!]

A big *Hug* to all the parent's who have a little one in heaven.